Mr. Neil (mrneilesq) wrote,
Mr. Neil

The Lesser of Two Evils...(Well, it *IS* politics...)

Current Mood: Not Applicable
Current Music: Hail to the Cheat...ahem...Chief
Current Catchphrase: "HEY! This cake decoration wasn't edible after all!!"

Despite the fact that this isn't an election year, I'd like to throw my hat into the ring for presidency, nay *king* of New England, and maybe the rest of the country if I have time. Why am I running you ask? It's not to better the world, it's not to help the underprivileged, it's not even to inflate my own ego (Though that will be a nice side effect). I, like 95% of all Americans, have an arch nemesis, who tries to talk like, look like , and generally *be* me. His colloquial moniker is Sarcastro, though I have it on good authority that he was born a commonplace, and much less impressive, "Jon". To demonstrate this flagrant emulation, I'll recount an actual incident, that you *know* is true, since I used the word "actual". Last year, after I grew a beard/moustache combo (A wuzzawoo, for short), he grew one two years before, just to spite me. Luckily my complete sway over his life, prompted feelings of remorse (for the only time in his life, apparently) and he shaved it (and a large chunk of hair on the side of his head - which he "claims" was an attempt at a self-hair cut) off in penance. All seemed right again in the world, but recently, he grew it back, and inexplicably now claims full ownership of the admittedly trendy (On a properly shaped head, certainly not the case with him) hair allocation pattern. Anyhow, to spite him, I'm going to make it illegal for *him* to breathe community air...but alas, this is currently beyond my admittedly vast power. Hence, my plans for world domination will have to be temporarily shelved whist I overtake a collection of North-Eastern States. Though, if I know Jon, and his tendency to imitate those he admires excessively, I may have competition in this election. Even though I'm the favored candidate, and could win an election versus him, even without putting clothes on when going to the debates, I feel a need to point out his weaknesses, just to sway those who always vote for the candidate who's prematurely graying. In any case, here's a list of the pros and cons of both the perfect and "Hindenburg-disaster-caliber" choices for candidates, so you the citizen, can *claim* to be well informed, without all of that tedious "looking at both sides of the issue"...

1) I'm in favor of cutting taxes, while Jon claims he would use the ill-gotten money to tout the merits of the METRIC system, a flagrant abuse of power! Just think of it, *you* the citizen will have to learn *French* and *Egyptian Hieroglyphics*, just to be able to calculate how much to tip the waiter at your local beanery! Or...with MY plan, you'll finally be able to afford leaving a robust 5% tip thanks to the money you're saving at Uncle Sam's expense! You'll also have that extra satisfaction of really sticking it to those governmental FAT CATS, who I disassociate myself from for reasons that I'll get into later during the final moments of my campaign, after it's too late to get your ballet back.
2) I have a plan to lower the deficit, and it won't cost you a bit of time/effort/moral ambiguity! We'll just stop spending money, by making all governmental positions volunteer jobs. (Except for the Position of President/King, who must exude a certain dignity, lest we all get invaded by Switzerland) Meanwhile, Jon would inevitably run up a huge bar tab in the Presidential Boozatorium, (which is what I surmise he would rename Congress) at the taxpayers' (or as he calls them "Suckers'") expense. Then again, it may be better for him to be consistently drunk, due to the fact that he's violent and foul-mouthed when he's sober. Granted, he's these things when he's drunk too, but at least his slurred speech will hide the poor ideas and fragment sentences that normally emanate from his (often unwiped) mouth.
3) Everybody knows the face of truth, honesty, and the American way, and it's not that of Ol' "Scarface" Jon! While *my* chiseled visage imbues anyone who happens upon it with an obligatory smile, *his* is too busy looking shifty, trying to find the best way to steal your wallet and any internal organs not properly duct-taped into your body cavity. While I plan to be a family man, even going so far as planning to order mandatory dates from my onboard staff in order to reach the apex of marital bliss and the integrity that such a unison implies to the rabble, *Jon* is content to frivolously wasting (probably extorted) money to achieve the same means. Now I'm not saying mail order brides are a bad thing by themselves, but when someone orders four or five of them, you can't help but start asking questions.

Well there you have it. I don't know about *you* but those starling facts have totally convinced *me* as to who the better candidate is. In fact, judging from my poll result's 95% of Americans are behind *me*. So if you consider yourself Un-American, by all means, vote for the uncertain future and possible collapse of Democracy under Jon, (thrice arrested on phone scam charges and lewd conduct with a coffeemaker.)

I'll leave it you the common sense of you, the well-dressed and moderately priced voters...Post a reply to this entry to submit a ballet. It's totally confidential, except for the fact that Live Journal posts your account name with your entry, but don't worry...I won't look at that. And all "Anonymous" entries will be discarded, since there's no way of knowing who exactly is stuffing the ballets. (Which I don't care if that is done, I just want to know who's doing it) VOTE!! It's your duty as a potential draft-dodger of the future...

(For a complimentary C-note kindly type "Disregard the above text - I *really* vote for Neil" at the bottom of your ballet)
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