Current Catchphrases: "You're flirting with death..." and "I ought to beat you within an inch of your life!" (Can you tell that I've been trapped in a vessel with 6,000 pushy tourists for the past week?)
As many of you have heard, and still don't care about - I recently went on vacation. In keeping with life's tradition that I often receive much more than I ever deserve, it was a Caribbean Cruise, um...to the Caribbean. To comply with our do-anything-to-quantify-everything society, I've compiled a Vacation-Stats chart to allow everyone to compare their vacation to mine, with the understanding that the more enemies I make, the less dull moments my life will have. Aside from annoying those who'd rather not hear about my escape from work (in this example of the non-existent variety), you can attempt to match or surpass my impressive standings, if you believe your meager vacation can best mine. If your hatred is true, an angel will lose his wings. Have at it...
Locations Visited - (4) -
*Labadee, Haiti - That's right, the cruise company owns their own private island in Haiti - Ah, the joys of consumer excess.
*Ocho Rios, Jamaica - where buying souvenirs isn't optional in the minds of the vendors. While there, I got to climb Dunn's River Falls, which is natural rock filled water incline. Luckily, tourists provide the softest landing when slipping from the slimy rocks. (It's also fun to yell "I got you!" when the person in front of you starts to fall, and take their wallet while they contract amnesia from the impact, which I've ironically dubbed "Brotherly Love", which assumes that your sibling is a thieving urchin (not far from the truth in my case))
*Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands - I went snorkeling with the stingrays, which look, smell, and *AHEM*taste like portabella mushrooms, right down to the giant death spike, and taste for human flesh. Woe be to he who bathes in appetizing squid juice before getting into the water...sometimes you can only learn about these things the hard way...
*Tulum, Mexico - Their government paid $30,000 a piece for 6 dolphins from Fidel Castro. If I've learned one thing out of this whole trip it's that Cuban dolphins are just as hard to smuggle into the USA as Cuban cigars.
Indigenous Species Destroyed - (1) -
It was worth it to see the looks on those vegetarians' faces when I barbequed a dolphin. Luckily, their spindly physiques prevented them from stopping my feast...and being able to stand after my savage (read: relaxingly minimal) beatings...
Number of Woman Who Hit on Me - (0) -
Yeah, the ladies on the islands are pretty much the same as those here in the US of A. Curse the Non-blind!!!
Pounds Gained - (8) -
Essentially, vacation locales aside, the real reason people go on ocean cruises is because they're dangerously underweight, and require non-stop nourishment that can only be provided in the form of force-fed buffet of 95% butter-based dishes. Those were the most well-fed, starving individuals that I've ever seen.
And I'm starting to think the soft-serve ice cream machines around the ship weren't meant to be used as a milk-substitute in the coffee.
Miles Traveled -(3100 miles each way) -
most of which weren't walked, or not spent complaining
Time it took to calculate "Miles Traveled" - (Entirely too long for a throw-away gag)
35 minutes? I hope you ingrates appreciate my meticulous care when it comes to insignificant details!!
Most time harping on an unfunny joke - (Time it took to calculate 'Miles Traveled') -
JUST LAUGH, !(*)!@()! IT!!!!! Humor me so it doesn't seem like I've wasted another chunk of life!!! I laugh at all of *you*, and that's when you all are doing mundane tasks like eating or falling, while not even telling jokes!!
Money Lost in Onboard Casino - ($11) -
Perhaps there's a problem with my method of playing only machines that have already paid and emptied out their maximum jackpot. Well, if someone one *once*, why can't it happen again?
Dollars of my *own* money spent - ($20) -
I would have bought some Island Souvenirs, but you start to wonder about decorative patterns that look strangely similar to the text "Made in Hong Kong".
Amount of skin damage due to sunburn - (95%) -
Well, most of it peeled off, which while painful, at least gave me a duplicate Neil shell to use when I fake my own death. I hope no one notices it's missing hair and clothes - well, then again, no one has noticed that on *me* yet...
Popeye Sightings - (3) -
There were two Popeye animation cels in Onboard Art Auction! Pshaw to the original Dali's when there's a squinty-eyed runt to be had. I think we both know which I'd save if the boat started to sink, and the dining hall was closed. Also, one night the entertainer in the onboard Theater was an impressionist, who did a Popeye (and Bullwinkle) impression while manipulating a Kermit the Frog Puppet! "AgAgAgAgAg! Why Is Dere So Many Sorngs Abousk Rainbowsk?" I'm sure that child who volunteered to be on stage will be recounting that to a psychiatrist some day...
Demeaning Things the Waiters and Various Service People Were Forced to do -
Sing, Dance, Wave Flags of Countries opposing their nationality, Carry Flaming dishes on their heads, and Clean up after my unsuccessful attempts to open an uncut dinner roll without disemboweling it. (Oh, how I wish I were kidding about these...)
How Far I got up the On-Ship Rock Climbing Wall - (12...inches) -
Well, at least it was high enough to create the illusion that I was high above from a certain vantage point - oh, the camera - the most trustworthy liar there is...
How many Times I Fell while In-Line Skating On-Board - (0) -
It takes a certain type of petrified flailing to keep oneself upright, and it doesn't hurt to use little kids skating by as makeshift canes - Hey, they're young, their spines are resilient, they'll get over the paralysis...
The Number of Times I Had to Listen to the Song "Lust for Life" - (12 billion) -
Curse you, Royal Caribbean Cruselines! You have us on the ship, and you STILL have to badger us to take a cruise with your stateroom TV commercials - *ALL* of which playing the same song, three times for each of the commercial breaks every five minutes!!
Number of meals ingested daily - (1) -
but it was a round the clock, non-stop one...
Well, I worked hard having fun all week, so you all can go entertain yourselves now, or bore yourselves to death...I'm sure you're already halfway there after reading my Journal...Bon Appeteeeeeete (As my waiter pronounced it...oh, those wacky Croatians...)