Current Catchphrase: "I think better when I'm groggy" (Said whilst operating wrecking ball)
Current Song: The sound a balloon makes when you rub it.
Greetings lackadaisical, intermittent popper-inners! Today we have a special treat for you: culinary tips from a man who can barely operate a microware, let alone an automated melon baller! That's right, I'll teach you how to maximize whatever meat substitute you have lying around at those long, tedious, summer barbecues. (Just remember to invite me...I'll be ****ed if I'm gonna pay -out of MY own pocket- to test-run these alleged consumable masterpieces...)
Tip 1- Keep 'em Guessing
Don't you hate it when at Christmas you get a power drill that's been wrapped with no box? Eye injuries aside, it's because its shape gives it away. (stay with me now) It's the same way with most Barbecues. People see red and yellow chunky congealed suspensions in shapely containers and immediately think, "Ketchup and Mustard *sigh*......I gotta go slit my wrists now..." Well now you can help to keep your property value up by keeping the body count down. How's this, you ask? Replace all of your current condiments with look-a-like items! Instead of ketchup, use Tabasco mixed with molasses. Instead of ice cubes, use pointy shards of glass. Instead of relish, use enraged killer bees. The thing is, keep them guessing! People love a surprise even if it shaves a couple years of their life. Just interpret screams and cursing as a sincere form of thanks...which is also a great way to get through a vacation in France...
Tip 2- "Accidents" can work to your advantage
At every party, there's always some shouting lout who's vocal intonations drown out all hopes of other conversation. (I know this, because every party that I've ever been to has *me* there. I wish something would happen to that jerk's voice box) Now's your chance to get your perfect revenge whilst looking like the perfect host. Strategically undercook certain portions of food who's destination is the obnoxiousm one. A few stomach pumpings later, he'll learn to eat before he comes. While this doesn't solve your problem, at least you save a few bucks on meat, helping you afford a hit-man, which does!
Tip 3- Untold Application of Garden Hose
Well, you've slaved over a hot grill and breathed in numerous carcinogenous fumes, now there's nothing to do but sit back and relax. But how can you relax with jabbering troglodytes infesting your lawn? Just because you invites there people to your house doesn't mean that they have any right to stay after they hand you wine or potato salad at the door. That's where your old buddy, the garden hose comes in. People may stick around and foster your playfulness through recipricality if you use mere water, so further actions must be taken. Doubtlessly, you've seen those fertilizer sprayers that attach to an ordinary water spigot, so why not take an empty one of these (I recommend buying a full on and dumping the contents into your neighbor's lawn spelling out obscene things that won't appear for a few months) and fill it with artificial dye red number 32. Then, order ambulance after ambulance to come for "a few friends who stayed out in the sun dangerously long and are in denial". After they're forcibly strapped down, they'll be carted away at their *own* expense - and you save on not having to deal with repeat guests!
And if you're wondering why I didn't get to any recipes like I promised, I pity you for your unwarranted sense of trust.
That's all I can offer...leave a massage at the beep...